A Random Random Story of Randomness
by Foxy18
Summary: New chapter up! Follow the FMA crew as they commit horrifying acts of humanity upon one another as the result of random mood swings!
1. Start Here

**A Random Random Story of Randomness**

**By: Foxy18**

**MY FIRST FIC**

It was a boring day at Central.

Riza let out a horrible screech.

Roy came running to his fair maidens rescue. "What is it, my darling?"

Riza was rolling around on the royal blue shag carpet, cackling like a fool.

The colonel with the God complex had a confused expression stretched across his sexy face.

By then Hughes skipped in with many hundreds of photographs of his beloved offspring. "SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL!" He screamed while tossing many of the various pictures into the air giddily. They floated there...

Ed ran in like a screaming banshee, only to be impaled violently with one of Hughes many floating pictures.

Al sauntered into the loud and destructive room. "Ed?" He inquired bi-curiously.

Ed glanced over to his loving (in more ways than one) brother, yet he could only see a mixture of pure white and crimson, which he assumed was the gruesome view of the photograph and his blood mixing in a cannibalistic way. "Wha... Holy Shniecky's, you're fucking human!"

"Everyone, look at Al! He's sexy!" A random person (i.e. me) shouted randomly.

Winry popped in and locked her sights on the friggin' hot Al. "Ahhh!" She screamed lustfully. Running over to the hot little man, she glomped him passionately. "Oh my God, you're so much better than your brother, the midget. You're so amazingly tall. Do me now!"

Ed was pissed. He took out a gun and aimed it at his cheating brother. "I thought you loved me, Al- I mean WINRY! WINRY! Because she is a GIRL! And so not my BROTHER!"

Roy glanced between the two bickering lovers, giddy over the idea of one of them being shot. "Oh well, Ed. That bitch had ugly hair anyway... Definitely not my hair, if ya know what I mean..."

Winry was outraged. She was as angry as a rabid turtle finding the most intimate parts on a man and biting hard. She took out a mouse trap and threw it at Roy, an attempt at murder.

Roy ran the opposite direction, tears staining his supple cheeks.

Riza suddenly stopped laughing and exited the room.

Back to Roy...

Roy was running frantically around the office, crying like a little girl scout, and in the process scaring the holy crap out of his comrades, among other random people. While he was jogging like a maniac, he witnessed himself being pulled down by the utter force of gravity, an act which wouldn't have happened without...

"TINY MINI SKIRT!" Roy shouted with glee, huggling the object as if it were his long lost security blanket.

Winry got bored of running after Roy.

Ed was also bored, a sexually explicit idea forming in his mind. No, not the mind in that head. Look further down.

The blond hottie went to kiss the bored Winry, but in a random and homosexual act, he instead kissed Roy erotically.

Roy blushed at the new and exiting blossoming emotions he was experiencing. He pushed Ed off as if he were an innocent virgin and vowed revenge for invoking such feelings upon his manhood.

Ed's beautiful blonde hair felt as if it were ablaze, this gay kiss bringing out his lustful passions.

Oh wait, his hair was on fire.

No, literally, there was fire in his hair.

Moving on...

Riza had a contorted look about her face as she flew into the room, a stack of smelly old papers within her feminine arms.

Roy saw his woman coming (COMING! lol.) into the room. He hid under his protective skirt, practically peeing his pants from fear.

"Who's peeing their pants now, ya morally bankrupt colonel with a God complex!' Ed shed a single tear from the immense joy he was feeling in his heart.

Riza scanned the room. "Oh. My. God." She backed out quietly.

All get painfully bored.

**FIN:**

Please tell me if you liked it or if it was so utterly horrifying and revolting that you imagined yourself going through the most painful death imaginable just to stop the utter horror and revulsion the fic induced.

To be continued... ?


	2. Cookies

**A Random Random Story of Randomness**

**By: Foxy18**

**Ch. 2 :)**

Down at Riza's place, the phone could be heard screaming to be picked up. Riza happily obliged to the devices request. "Hello?" She spoke into the receiver.

"Riza, honey, this is you're mother speaking." A shrill voice was heard on the other end of the line, causing a shudder to vibrate through Riza's spine.

Riza hung up the phone.

It rang again.

The blonde haired girl reluctantly answered her phone, once again. "Hello?" She whispered, trying her best not to piss herself.

Apparently, the person on the other end was a mute.

Riza placed the receiver back in it's rightful place and suddenly felt an overwhelming boredom take over her glass heart, so she decided to make cookies!

Roy barged into his right hand lady's house, sniffing the air with a worried look plastered across his delicate features. "What's burning?" He started coughing up blood.

"I don't know." Ed answered, suddenly appearing in the room, for the writer needed someone to answer Roy's question.

Riza looked to Ed, confused and scared as hell. "How'd you get here?" She said, a chill running down her spine.

"I...don't know." Ed replied, equally confused and scared as hell.

Hughes came running down the steep stairs of Riza's apartment. "Hey everyone! Miroku's upstairs going through Riza's underwear drawer!" He screamed bitterly. He wanted to be rummaging underwear drawers too!

Riza gracefully reached for her firearm, a malicious glint in her sienna eyes. "I'll kill that perverted bastard."

Roy ran ahead of the pistol packing' mama. "I shall kill him for you!" He exclaimed in a girly fashion, running up the stairs gleefully.

Riza sighed, not running after the retard.

Ed was curiously looking through Riza's medicine cabinet when he stumbled across something rather interesting. "Oh my God! You guys, I found a dirty magazine!" He shouted excitedly.

At this time, Roy and Miroku ran down the stairs.

"Riza has naughty naughty things in her bedroom!" Roy yelled to no one imparticular.

"Really?" Al asked while being huggled by a delusional Winry, trying to edge away from the scary looking girl.

Roy was still coughing up blood when he answered. "Yes!" He screeched.

Riza's face was redder than Inuyasha's gaudy kimono. "I do not!" She yelled for the world to hear.

"Yes you do!" Miroku informed her. "I saw it! ... Can I see it again?"

Ed was running around with his hair STILL on fire from the last chapter.

Winry jumped up off of Al and stabbed a random purple wall with a random golden knife. "Ooh! Let's go on a road trip!" She suggested randomly.

"Okay!" Roy answered...randomly.

**Fin:**

Sorry this took so long to post. Hope you all like it! It isn't as good as the first chapter, but hopefully the next one will make up for it... I'll post that one soon.


	3. PimpMobile

**A Random Random Story of Randomness  
**

**By: Foxy18  
**

**Ch. 3**

"But I gotta go . . . Really badly!" Armstrong whined from the back seat of the gang's pimp mobile.

"No." Mustang said authoritatively. "You had your chance to piss 5 miles ago." He tapped his long, slender and effeminate fingers on the driving wheel.

"I'm hungry!" Winry exclaimed.

"Oh, you would be, Winry. You would be . . ." Ed glared.

Winry punched Al in the face for Ed's witty remark.

"Are we there yet?" Said Fury. The right part of his body had become fully numb from Armstrong sitting on his lap.

"I'm gonna pee in your mouth and shit in your face if you don't pull this god damn purple pimp mobile over right now, you little pony!" Armstrong ordered in that seductive accent of his. "You're no mustang! You're just a dirty little whore liar pony!"

"Your mom's a dirty little whore liar pony! Oh, SNAP!" Mustang retaliated.

Riza guffawed, but not in a slightly humorous, endearing sort of manner. No . . . no, this was rather sad.

"How do you know Mustang wouldn't _like_ being shat on?" Al said, bitter and suspicious, blood spurting out of his now ruptured nostrils in great red rivers.

"Oh, SNAP!" Miroku chimed in.

Ed slapped Al in the face. "Roy! Al keeps touching me!"

"Stop touching your brother, Al."

"He slapped me!" Al cried crimson Emo tears . . . Twice . . . And it got all mixtury-like with his nose blood, the blood of his nose.

"You started it!" Ed screamed, but slowly his pupils dilated and clouded over. "With that silky smooth, hot little boy body of yours . . . All muscular and creamy."

Mustang clenched his teeth. "Don't make me come back there, you two!"

"Or what? You'll rape my dog and eat out my grandmother during the dark cover of night?" Ed snapped. "Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you, you sick bastard!"

"Don't make me COME back there, you two!" The colonel blinked. He still couldn't forget that homo-erotic make out scene in the first chapter. He sighed dreamily.

THUMP THUMP!

"The hell? Was that you, Armstrong?" Roy asked inquisitively.

"No, my dear lady. I think your ZOMG MAD DRVNG SKLLZ LAWLS hit something, or rather . . . SOMEONE! DUN DUN DUN!1"

"Oh, SNAP!" Miroku exclaimed . . . Again.

Fury's eyes lit up with panic. "Keep drivin' man! You know what'll happen if my parole officer finds out about this! Six years in prison, man! Six years!" He began hyperventilating.

"No can do, compadre." Mustang informed his fearful friend. "We must turn back."

Fury swiftly crapped his pants. "I can't go back there, again! Bubba's waiting for me back there, in prison, cell 372! It'll be our 12th prison-marriage anniversary this year. I told you about those anniversaries, didn't I? DIDN"T I?"

They turned back.

"Miroku," Mustang began. "You go out and see who it was who PURPOSFULLY RAN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE FRONT OF MY PIMP MOBILE! That's right. YOU ALL SAW IT. SHE HIT MY CAR ON PURPOSE!"

Winry was eating her belt buckle. "How do you know it's a girl?"

"CUZ I HAVE THE TITTY SENSORZ!"

"Sounds nice . . ." Al said politely.

Armstrong pissed on Fury.

"Nice excrement and urine cocktail you got going over there, guys!" Riza plugged her nose.

**Fin:**

Find out who the gang hit in Chapter Four! Tomorrow!


	4. Grinding

**A Random Random Story of Randomness**

**By: Foxy18**

**Ch. 4**

By the time the crew got back to the woman they had hit, it was well past 2:34 in the afternoon. They had traveled three miles from the military base. Twice.

They had left Kikyo to rot on the side of the road next to a popular Subway restaurant, where she had apparently worked as a whore for fifteen long years, before she became Naraku's lesbian lover.

Miroku was also abandoned.

"We're never gonna get to the Bahamas at this rate!" Winry complained, pouring her lemonade over Ed's flaming hair, putting the hot, spicy, and fiery blaze out for good.

"God, I know!" Riza whined. "We were set back a whole four minutes. That's like, three days Bahamas' time!"

Al nodded knowingly, brushing flakes of dried blood from his broken, fully human nose.

"You know what I'm gonna do when we get there?" Armstrong asked hypothetically.

"What?" Ed prompted him.

"Change my pants."

"When we get there, I think I'll play with some coconuts." Winry remarked. "They've got a lovely bunch of coconuts over there."

"Ah, I've been to the Bahamas before." Fury piped up, his voice muffled by Armstrong's broad shoulders. "They had a carnival showman there. You know what he said to me one day, while I was examining his coconuts?"

"What?" Asked Riza.

" 'Give 'em a twist, a flick of the wrist.' . . . That's what the showman said."

"Really?" Mustang pondered this. "How interesting."

"Yeah. Then he said to stop playing with his balls and replace his pants where they formerly were; above his ankles."

"The hell?" Mustang looked at Fury in disgust.

The pimp mobile was silent for a while, as everyone contemplated Fury and his exotic Bahamian experience, with the foreign Bahamian Carnival Showman named Rudy Sherbuckson.

"I brought coconuts."

Everyone turned to the speaker, Ed.

"What?" Winry enquired. "Where did you get the coconuts?" She flicked her long golden mane over her shoulder, slashing Riza's eyes open with their razor sharp tips of death.

Ed hesitated. "I found them." He sighed. " The swallow may fly south with the sun . . . or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter . . . yet these are not strangers to our land."

" . . . What?" Mustang asked, confused.

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?" Winry continued with her questioning.

"Not at all. They could be carried."

"Oh, you can't be serious."

"What?" Riza asked helplessly, groping around, her eyes dripping bits of a fluid that no one recognized. "I . . . I can't see. It seems to have affected my hearing. Did you say . . . A swallow carrying a coconut?"

"Yeah," Ed answered. "It could grip it by the husk."

"Oh! Its not a question of where it grips it!" She shouted. "It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five-ounce bird couldn't carry a one-pound coconut! Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beats its wings 43 times every second, right?"

Ed pondered this. "It could be carried by an African swallow."

"An African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow . . . that's my point."

"Oh, I agree with that."

"But then of course African swallows are non-migratory. So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway."

"But what if two African swallows carried it together?"

"Shut the hell up!" Mustang burst out.

Everyone became quiet. So quiet, in fact, that if you listened carefully, you could hear Fury's agonizing moans of pain as Armstrong adjusted himself, grinding his rock hard buttocks further into the pelvis bone of Fury's . . . pelvis.

Riza coughed. "My lack of sight and hearing has made me realize that I am deeply in love with Kikyo. Please excuse me, gentlemen!" She flung herself out the pimp mobile.

"Oh," Al begun. "Isn't that girl dead."

"AWKWARD!" Winry sang.

Mustang casually turned the radio on.

It was silent.

The radio, I mean.

Ed closed the open car door.

Armstrong repositioned himself and noted that the person sitting under him wasn't moving . . . Or breathing. He paused.

"Erm, Colonel Mustang?"

"What is it, Mr. Wet Pants."

"I . . . I think Fury is . . . Well, he's dead, sir."

"That's it! We're turning back!"

**Fin:**

Disclaimer: Don't own any Monty Python material.


	5. Crushed Liver

**A Random Random Story of Randomness**

**By: Foxy18**

**Ch. 5**

It turns out, Fury hadn't actually died while being crushed by Armstrong's exceedingly muscular posterior. He had, however, suffered from excessive internal bleeding. This was caused partly by a punctured liver, two ruptured kidneys, a crushed bladder, and an impaled lung.

The full extent of his injuries are still unknown.

Feeling partly responsible for Fury's current condition, Armstrong and the gang decided to visit him in intensive care . . . three months after he was admitted.

Mustang sauntered into the recovery room, casually glancing at the life support system. "Wazzap, Feurmiester! Still got that protruding rib-thing going on, ya freak?"

Fury groaned.

Winry backed into the room, dragging a rather large flower reef with her. It got stuck in the door frame, blocking the way of Ed and Al, who were slightly upset about it.

"Get that piece of flowery crap out of my fucking way, you cock sucking, cum guzzling, carpet munching, clit licking, atom splitting, earth shaking, donkey riding, sleet drinking, tart chewing, titty kicking lesbian dyke whore ass-bandit!" Ed screamed.

"Hold your god damned horses, leprechaun!" Winry yelled as she pulled Fury's floral gift from the doorway.

Al, being his normal metal self once again, swiftly shoved Ed, Winry, and the reef through the entrance with a mighty blow to Ed's head.

Fury coughed.

"So," Began Armstrong. "Err . . . Sorry about crushing most, if not all, of your internal organs there, Fury. Sometimes I just don't know the strength of my own buttocks."

Fury tilted his head slightly.

"Oh, so you forgive me?" Armstrong asked. "Fantastic! Lesse what we've got here. I brought some chocolates. In fact, they're homemade! This particular recipe has been passed down the Armstrong family for generations!" He tossed the chocolates onto Fury's bed. "Hope your digestive system is working properly again!"

Just then, Havoc entered the room.

"Finally!" Winry exclaimed. "We haven't seen you the entire story, you nicotine addicted sex god."

"So, Riza's prego." Havoc announced.

All jaws dropped.

Mustang glared. "Is it Kikyo's child?" He began pacing the room. "I knew it! I knew that bitch wouldn't use protection!"

"Who?" Havoc raised a brow. "Nah, it's mine!"

All jaws dropped . . . Again.

"You fuck!" Mustang went for Havoc's throat. "I can't believe you! I should've never trusted you to bring Riza home after she jumped out of the car, breaking three of her five limbs!"

Havoc dove, dodging Mustangs attack and tripping over one of the life support systems many vital cords in the process.

Fury flat-lined.

"It couldn't be helped, 'Stang!" Havoc shouted. "We're in love and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"You bastard!" Mustang yelled. "You knew I secretly loved her, hiding it from her by dating various women to avoid any emotional vulnerability!"

Armstrong squealed. "I thought you loved me, Mustang!"

"That was a one time thing!" He declared.

"What about me!" Ed shouted.

"That isn't the issue here!" Mustang spat. "I'm talking about Riza being impregnated by this cigarette smoking blond hunk of a man."

"All right, I'll admit it . . ." Jean cried. "I'm not the only potential father. There's also the possibility that Scar knocked her up."

"What!"

"Or Farman . . . or Breda . . . or Hughes."

"Hughes is dead!"

"Hey, hey!" Winry interrupted. "There's nothing wrong with a little necrophilic lovin'!"

"Right . . ." Havoc continued. "But Riza assured me that it's probably my lovechild. I mean, Scar, Breda, Hughes, and Farman were just a one time thing, but Riza and I? We've been going nice and strong for like, three years now!"

Roy punched Jean and left the room.

Ed bounded gleefully into the recovery room with a handful of needles. "Hey, guys! Free morphine!"

Havoc ran up to Ed, swiftly kicking him in the nuts. "That's bad for the baby, jack ass!"

Ed keeled over. "It hurts so good! Do it again!"

"Only if you pay me." Jean glared. "Gotta make money for the new family!"

Ed and Jean left the room.

Fury was still flat-lining, slowly beginning to die from the inside out.

**Fin:**

This story's losing it's touch . . .

Next chapter, discover who the real father of Riza's child is! ZOMG!1


	6. Baby?

_**A Random Random Story of Randomness**_

**By: Foxy18**

**Ch. 6**

Riza was getting a DNA test to see who the real father of her baby was. And since no one really knows who the father was all the postnasal fathers where going to gathered there.

Scar walked in the room carrying Hughes, along with Farman Breda.

Hughes's half rotting corpse was placed in one of the various hospital chairs in the waiting room where the gang had gathered. Mustang sat next to Hughes. "So how's it goin my brother from another mother!" Mustang asked as he put his arm around Hughes.

Jean walked in the room and locked his eyes on Mustang. "Why are you here stang?"

Mustang glared at Jean. "I'm here to see Hughes, My best friend , You sex go… I Mean Bastard!"

Riza walked up to all of them. "You guys, I found out who the father is…" She said with a bit of confusion.

"Who is it! I'll Kill Him!" Mustang said furiously as he jumped up knocking Hughes over. Hughes body made a disturbing schussing noise when it hit the floor.

Everyone's attention was averted to Hughes. "Say excuse me Hughes! That's disgusting." Al said as he walking into the room in his normal sexy human body once again.

Ed walked in behind Al with a disturb look on his face. "Al, Don't be so rude! We haven't seen Hughes sense he was buried."

Riza announced once again. "Ahem! I know who the father is."

Everyone looked over to Riza.

"The father of my baby is…" She paused.

Winry ran into the room. "Don't do it Hawkeye!" She tackled Riza to the floor.

Jean ran up to Winry and kicked her in the nuts and suddenly it all became clear. "You're the father!" Jean exclaimed.

Everyone gasped.

Winry jumped up. "No! im not! Its Al! I just got this done!" She argued.

"No! I was in my metal Form that night! It couldn't be me!" Al quickly declared.

"How many men have you been with woman!" Mustang cried as he ran out of the room.

"Then who is the father?" Scar interrupted.

Just then Furrier Bradley walked in the room. "I am." He said in a calm manner walking over to Riza holding out his hand to helping her up.

"No you're not! Stop trying to complicate this! You're not even human." Riza yelled as she took Bradley's offer to help her up. "The father of my baby is..."

Mustang walked back into the room curious to find out which one of the men he was going to kill for impregnating his women. He took his seat next to Hughes using Hughes dead corpse as a foot stool.

"Mustang!" Riza cried.

All jaws dropped.

Mustang jumped up tripping over the dead Hughes.

"How could you! I love you Mustang! You bastard!" Jean yelled as he cried and ran away.

Mustang got up and walked over to Riza. "Is it true?" He asked as he looked deeply into her eyes.

Riza looked at Mustang. "No! It's not yours. We have never had sex. None of you are the father. In fact I'm not even pregnant, Jean is just a retard. I put on a little weight and he assumed it was a baby."

Breda and Farman walked out of the room.

Scar rolled his eyes. "Why did you even waste your time getting a DNA test then?"

"Because, the writer needed another chapter for this story." Riza explained.

Al looked at Winry. "Wait, Winry has a penis now?"

Everyone looked over to winry.

"No! I got rid of my penis. Geez." Winry said bashfully.

Al and Ed look puzzled. "But, That wasn't there the other night" They both said in unison.

Ed and Al looked at each other. "you…" Ed said

"you…" Al said as he looked back to his Brother.

"you guys were way to intoxicated to notice I guess." Winry interrupted.

Al still having a puzzled look on his face. "wait, how did jean know you use to have a penis?"

Winry blushed. "Well… You see… Jean was there too."

"Enough!" Fury yelled walking into the room dragging his life support system with him. "Im dying over here and none of you even care!"

Armstrong walked in and glomped fury. "Your Alive! I thought for sure you were dead after you started to flat line in the last chapter!"

Fury cried out in agony.

Everyone left the hospital. Except Fury, He still needed intensive care.

_**Fin**_


End file.
